You know I am beginning to think the plans I put in place on April 1st of each year are destined to
A Change in Plans, Getting to Financial Independence Quickly
Two years ago in April, I failed in my attempt to keep up with the jones. I lost my Ferrari and our giant McMansion to our debt. Then I tried to live in my cardboard box of sacrifice to dig our way out. But honestly, that sacrifice was just not quick enough, leaving myself and my family depressed. So this year I’m going to turn things around. We’re going to get to financial independence quickly by day trading and short selling.
Betting Half on a Stock Market Decline
How hard could it be? I know that the yield curve has come close to inverting and corporate debt is at record highs. Price per earnings is high so a market decline must happen this year! Besides the nice man on TV said it. I know with certainty this will occur so why not take advantage? I placed about half our money into a short call on the S&P 500 to decline 20%. I can’t lose, get rich quick here I come….
No Patience, Short Selling the Quick Way to Wealth
Those that are passive do things like keep dry powder. Those that are taking the slow path to wealth invest in index funds. Both of these strategies take too long. I can surely get rich in a few short months. After all, I was a market genius these last few years. I made money at every turn by selling on the dip and buying at the bottom. My research team consisting of my 1 hour each morning with the Wall Street Journal is far superior to any hedge fund. They should just fire all those MIT math grads they have on staff and hire me, as I’m always right.
But Don’t Forget My Bitcoin Play
I’m so right that for the other 50% I will do two things. 25% I will put into Bitcoin. After all, it has fallen from 20K a coin to 4K a coin, so it must be a good buy now. Compared to all those suckers that paid $20K I’m getting a bargain. When it returns to $20K next week I can officially declare myself retired. So 25% of my portfolio is in Bitcoin. I don’t have a clue what said coin does or how to use it. I’m not even sure how to login this Internets thing, but Bitcoin has such a cool name it must be the future.
Day Trading Rounds Out My Plans
The remaining 25% of my funds I will use
Advice from Experts
In addition to my slick strategy, I collect stock tips from my local paperboy. I think he watches some guy on TV who tells people to buy stocks. Hey if a guy is on TV he must be an expert. Following the advice of another expert like myself should lead to superior investing.
Waiting out My Loser Penny Stocks
Anyway, he has to be way better then that hot tip I receive in my email last week on that penny stock. It cost me 1/4 of my net worth. Still, the nice man via email said the fall was only a temporary pull back and I should wait it out. He assured me the whole bankruptcy and SEC investigation thing will blow over. I think I’ll just wait it out…
Unhedged Leverage will Speed Up My Ascent
I’m so sure this time that my strategies will work that I need to find more money to invest in them. My buddy the paperboy suggested I get a second mortgage on my house to increase my investment amounts. Sadly due to my debt issues a few years back they would no longer loan me money to buy a home, so I can’t mortgage it for investments. That being said the nice man at my brokerage house suggested he would allow me to purchase stocks on margin I think I’ll explore that as there is no better way to get rich quick then by employing unhedged leverage. What could go wrong…
Obviously, if you are still reading this is our annual April Fools Post. Any and all similarity to anyone you may know is purely coincidental. This post is a tongue in cheek take on the behavioral biases so often seen in the investing world. The get rich quick person who believes they can beat the world based on recent performance. The stock tips from anyone during an up-market. Investing in something you don’t understand. Leveraging up and, of